Fearless

Here I sit in my basement hideaway.  I finally have some time to think straight.  I've been longing to blog about so many things.  Why is it so hard to start?

So many people are on my mind.
An acquaintance of mine lost a dear family member in a tragic accident yesterday.  She had two elementary aged daughters.
The old friend whose sweet daughter (who I still see as that carefree 6 year old swinging on the playset) went away to college this year.
My sweet mother who is trying to find her way after the death of her husband, companion, friend of her whole adult life.
My son who seemed to all at once hit puberty yesterday.  How in the world can you sprout armpit hair, the famous tip-of-the-nose zit, and have your voice crack and go high all in the same day?

All of these situations have been swirling around in my mind.......in my heart and have left me with those kind of deep feelings and thoughts that are so longed to be shared that you feel you'll explode if you don't give audience to them.

God is sovereign over all situations.  When I reflect on the prominent thoughts in my heart, the overriding theme is change.  Time has a way of changing us.  Of bringing new circumstances into our routine little lives so as to remind us not to get too comfortable on the soft couch of life-as-we-know-it.

If God is sovereign, then the change He allows bears his stamp of approval as well.  If He approves it and will walk through it with us, then there should be no room for dread on this trip, right?  Then I wonder:

~Why am I gripped with fear for how my friend's family member must have felt moments before her tragic death?  Why am I scared for how the daughters reacted when they learned that mommy was not here on this Earth anymore?
~Why am I scared for my mom.....afraid of her pain yet drawn to it because I'm drawn to her and committed to helping her grieve through this loss.  Longing for signs of healing.........sometimes searching for them prematurely.
~Why does the thought of my children leaving for college leave me panicked?  Will I have taught them everything they need to know to make it on their own?  Am I adequately preparing them for adulthood?
~Why does my son hitting puberty freak me out?  My little boy is gone.........being replaced by a handsome young man.  Will we be able to help him navigate the challenges, temptations, and pitfalls of the teen years?

As these questions fill my heart, it strikes me that my fears allow no room for God.  But what if........
And then there is that still, small whisper that says, If ........then I am. 

Indeed, He is able to take any situation and bring beauty from ashes.  Even my greatest fears, the ones I don't even voice audibly, even those are covered by HIM.  The question He is asking is whether or not I will decide to trust Him.......with every last fear.  Only when every last fear is surrendered to Him, and I lay bare, helpless, vulnerable in His hands.....only then will I be FEARLESS.